And yet... here I sit on my bed, with my cat... in a small town in Indiana -- at about two am. I hate the mundane... although, mission work does get pretty mundane (something I learned in Niger). It's freeing to be able to jump in a car, boat, train, plane and just... go somewhere. I love traveling, and I never pass up an opportunity to do so. I'm going though boxes of things in attempt to get rid of some piles of random junk before my grandparents visit me (and see my apartment for the first time) on Saturday.... and there's a lot of junk I'm not sure why I kept, but then there's a small assortment of stuff that brings some memories. For example, I found all my missions journals. Every time I go on a trip, I keep... or try to keep a journal of exactly what happened on the trip. Usually I don't finish writing everything down.... and it lasts about 3 or 4 days, if that. My journal from Niger was about 4 pages of actual journaling, and about 6 or 7 of learning-Zarma notes.
However, the stuff I do actually write, it's fun to look back on. I found my Journal from that first trip, back in August of '06. So crazy to think that this all started eight years ago. The first day I was there, I wrote, "If this is what God has planned for me in the future, then it sure is hot. Thank goodness for a/c in the bedrooms. I don't really have a clue what I'm doing here, but I'm sure God has sent me here for a reason. So tired, so nervous, so excited. My heart is burning with the Holy Spirit."
... lol, "it sure is hot". Yeah, it is. I love that statement. Which, by the way, not all bedrooms have a/c... and I didn't know that. The river was quite an experience that year. I actually adjusted to the heat, and then froze to death in the a/c. I remember hating going to the forth of July parade because it was just too hot... and I was in Brazil close to the equator. Only God can bring a fourteen year old and put her on the Amazon.
And then I found my second Brazil journal, as well as my Niger journal. 10 years ago I never would've guessed that God would've put me here... in school, on my way to be overseas full time. I sit here knowing that this may be my first and only apartment here in the states... at least until I retire.... although I wouldn't put retiring out of country out of the picture.
I also found a little thing from a year ago that my ex-fiance made me. It reminded me that a missional lifestyle has a cost... and it's not a little one. I'll be frank with y'all, I'm struggling with it. Last week, we had some Wycliffe reps come in and talk to the class. A student asked what the biggest struggle of being overseas would be... and I've already experienced all of the struggles commonly faced -- and I'm sure there will be a lot more. When I got on the plane to Africa last year, I said goodbye to a man I loved... for the last time... because when I came back, he was not the same man. People telling me to stay home? Happens... a lot. I can give a long list of people not understanding things that are constantly on my mind... which means I have to constantly explain myself, or I get very odd looks. When around missionary friends? It's a big comfort.... someone FINALLY gets it.
Being a missionary, even when your surrounded by people, is honestly a bit lonely. I hate it... and I think on Africa and this last Brazil trip... and the struggles I'll have daily. How I'll want to come home, but I know there's no going back. How I know if I go home, I'll just want to come back to where ever it is I am. I have to learn to be content in where I am, but at the same time, here I have to keep an international eye open. Some normal things people get into... I might not for that reason. Items that I'm going though? I'll probably throw out a lot more because I'll be thinking of what I'll have to pack up and store when I leave... I want it manageable. Which, by the way, it blows my mind how many pots and pans I have.... people gave them to me, so I won't give them away -- but one large pot and one large pan was quite enough. lol. I'm just one person.
So, I guess what I'm trying so say is that I've kinda hit one of those hard spots. I want to be overseas. Yet, I want to be home.... It's kind of a clash, and hard to explain. My brain knows the hardships coming up, and wants to run. My heart knows where it belongs, and wants to go. My heart aches for all those who don't know about Christ... here, overseas.. everywhere. It's a hard burden... but one I cannot simply 'look away' from. Doesn't work that way.
Living off campus also poses new challenges... I'm not as focused... there's no community -- and those that I meet close to home are usually lost. I'm usually only on campus for classes... and then I run to work or the next appointment. I'm so busy I feel like I never slow down to have relationships with anyone.... and while that needs to change, I'm not really sure how to change it. I've got to pay the bills, and do the homework.
At home (as in btown)? Always crazy... and my car (the yellow one was in a wreck and was totaled) is kinda sketchy. It looks nice... but has issues. This makes me a little hesitant to actually drive anywhere - except locally.
Christ is worth everything... and I surrendered a long time ago. I'll do whatever it takes, but goodness, it's hard. While I know it's hard, I know seeing every Tribe, Tongue, and Nation worshiping God -- will be worth it -- and in the same thought, I know that it's all God - and none of me. People can be deaf to Gospel and not hear a word of it when we speak.... but God opens ears. God is sovereign over all things. His sheep hear his voice.
But these middle times? While I know I'll look back on them one day and reminisce on my college days - and might think that they were way easier than whatever I'm going though at the time -- this is hard. Hopefully I'll look back and think, well, I made it. I'm here. Although, right now I have to be careful to think just getting there is my only goal... because it's not. There's much more than just getting there.... and it's more than just going... it's all about Christ - and worshiping Him, giving Him all the glory.
I'm looking at some new ministry opportunities here... possibly tutoring refugees once I get my work situation figured out. (I have an interview today... although I'm not really feeling I want the job I applied for now... I got some counter offers.) Also, I'm hoping to go to Niger in April... and hopefully back to Brazil sometime this next summer... however, I've got to see about doing the arranging -- and hopefully organizing some sort of trip. I want to go back to Santarem....
I wrote an ethnography on Brazil (a whole 53 pages!).... it was something. Tugged at my heartstrings, ready to go back.
Prayers & Love,
Emily
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